How to ask your siblings to help care for a parent

Every family seems to have one. The person who does the appointments, the pharmacy, the bills and the 2 a.m. phone calls, while everyone else sends a heart to the group chat.

If you're reading this, it's probably you. And you have probably already asked for help, and got the answer everybody gets: "Of course! Just tell me what you need."

Nothing happened after that, did it? Not necessarily because your brother is a bad person. It's because "help" isn't a job. Nobody can do "help" on a Tuesday.

Start with the list, not the conversation

Write down the jobs, and next to each one, who does it today. Be honest in that column, including the things you do so automatically that you've stopped counting them.

• Booking and going to appointments
• Medications: refills, pill box, reminders
• Bills, banking and paperwork
• Insurance and pharmacy phone calls
• Groceries and meals
• Driving and transport
• Housework and laundry
• Overnight checks or calls
• Researching care options
• Keeping the family updated
• Visits and company
• Covering breaks for the main caregiver

Ask for one job, with a start date

Pick something from the list that another person could own completely. Then ask for exactly that:

Say this

"I need to split up what Dad needs so it's not all on me. Can you take the pharmacy and insurance calls starting this week? Not 'when you can', but as yours."

Look at what's in that sentence: a job, a start date, and the word "yours". Leave out any of the three and you're back to hearts in the group chat.

"But I live four hours away" is true and beside the point. Bills and paperwork, insurance and pharmacy calls, researching care options and keeping the family updated can all be done from another city, in pajamas.

When they don't like your plan

People who do none of the work sometimes have strong views on how it should be done. You don't need to win that argument. Shrink it:

Say this

"We don't have to agree on everything. Can we agree on the one decision that has to be made this week, and on who makes the final call if we can't agree?"

Ask for time off like you mean it

A break is part of the plan. It isn't a favor somebody does you if they're feeling generous. So give it a date and a name:

Say this

"I can keep doing this if I get real breaks. I need Saturday off, starting this week, covered by you or by someone we pay. Not 'eventually'."

If the answer is still no

• Ask for money instead of time. Some people who won't do a task will pay for a few hours of someone who will.
• Put it in writing. Send the list after the call, with names next to jobs. A page is harder to forget than a conversation.
• Decide what you are going to stop doing. Then say so, calmly, before you stop.

You can't make a brother or sister show up. You can make it very clear what showing up would look like, and you can stop pretending you're able to do all of it.

This guide is general information. Every family is different; use what fits yours.